Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(480): View more from Arizona

A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.

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(480): A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card. http://tfl.nu/fah6

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(260): View more from Indiana

spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner

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(260): spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner http://tfl.nu/qp2j

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(917): View more from New York City

Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go

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(917): Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go http://tfl.nu/7nhi

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(352): View more from Florida

I used to practice getting hit by cars.

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(352): I used to practice getting hit by cars. http://tfl.nu/t3x2

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(915): View more from Texas

When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.

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(915): When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free. http://tfl.nu/k11q

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height

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(780): The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height http://tfl.nu/mxot

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(651): View more from Minnesota

No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.

(1-651): View more from Minnesota

She still started it.

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(651): No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister. (1-651): She still started it. http://tfl.nu/h5sx

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(654): View more from

And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.

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(654): And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out. http://tfl.nu/4u7j

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.

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(814): you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door. http://tfl.nu/6ofj

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(217): View more from Illinois

I feel a five day drunk coming on.

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(217): I feel a five day drunk coming on. http://tfl.nu/u0qx

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(708): View more from Illinois

Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this

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(708): Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this http://tfl.nu/2xjb

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(512): View more from Texas

While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.

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(512): While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before. http://tfl.nu/erll

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(303): View more from Colorado

I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?

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(303): I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters? http://tfl.nu/gcgg

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(859): View more from Kentucky

She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes

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(859): She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes http://tfl.nu/2ifp

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?

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(201): Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion? http://tfl.nu/hwen

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