why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.