So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
