Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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