I faked an abortion last night.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
