It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
