I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
