Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
