gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
