ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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