she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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