Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
