I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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