I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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