I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
