i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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