I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i wish my penis had a tongue
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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