: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
