CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
