You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
