I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
