Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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