YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
one might say we're banned from that church
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
