I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
