I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
