Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
