I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
