An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
