Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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