I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
