Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
