i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
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