i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
