how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
