The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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