Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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