my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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