You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Randomize
