Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
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I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
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We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
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