I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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