He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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