I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
