1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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