before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
