I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
