Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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