I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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