MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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