Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?