he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Randomize
