I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
im having a threesome with these popsicles
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
