I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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