theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Randomize
