Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Randomize
