I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
